Dark Night of the Soul, or Reality?

In recent reading, I came across this:

Dark Night of the Soul

I think this "Dark Night of the Soul" thing must be the realm in which I function.

The more I thought about things, the more I felt the need to write the thoughts out as a release.
Ever since the death of my teenager several years ago, nothing matters. Just mere  survival".
Not only was it the worst thing that’s EVER happened to me, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I lost all faith and hope. I rely on NO ONE BUT MYSELF.I feel that I am the only one I can trust.

I have been through SO MUCH trauma, but my own immediate family would not help me after my job ended. I was not let go. My boss died and there was nothing in place after that, so her children took over and dissolved everything.
I was out of work and no longer had shelter. NOT because I was negligent or made poor choices, just life in general happening. But “God forbid” that any of them should have to be put out by helping a “non-believer” — but they had the means to help. But dontcha know, they may have helped if I would go to church. Obviously, if I would have agreed to that, I would have been doing it for the wrong reasons and I would be a hypocrite.

I was raised "Pentecostal holy-roller". I tried a few times, but I NEVER COULD get into that. It was all I knew for many years, and I was forced to go to all those meetings at church… I rebelled as a teen, made poor choices and went through so much trauma that by the time I was 17, I was done with it all. I grew up hard and fast in a short time. 

A distant relative finally got wind of my situation and helped me. He even loaned me money, and I paid him back (WITH INTEREST he never asked for but it was a token of my deep appreciation) within 6 months.  

Within 3 weeks I found a job and a place to move to. I am NOT a leech! I am a hard worker. I am CLEAN, I keep to myself and I am very quiet. - So, WHY would that be a problem if I needed a place to stay until I got on my feet?
Answer: It ISN’T - Unless you are a hard-core religious fanatic who only associates with OTHER hard-core religious fanatics.Well, they can have each other, and when I die I hope I don’t hafta go to their “Heaven”. But of course, I won’t because I shun all that and am destined for "Hell". As far as i'm concerned, HELL IS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. I've lived it, so when I leave here, I HAVE TO go to a better place.

I do not do drugs or drink or anything (I tried when I was a teen-ager). As an adult, I never numbed it. I just fell straight into this abyss. I am a realist. I don’t believe in fairy tales, but all this time I’ve had this thing I could not label and here it is.

I have felt as if I must be cursed. I look forward to the escape (death), but will not take my own life or do dangerous things. I just stay here in my shell (I feel that my mind is in a dark shell and cannot escape outwardly to any light — I am not satanic, but just really dark. It’s not an evil dark. It’s a locked away/closed-off/hopeless kind of dark. I worship NOTHING) … 

I am very reclusive. I work, but other than that I don’t engage with anyone else at all. I have come to LOVE being ALONE. I am NEVER "bored" or lonely and I don't look to other people as a form of entertainment, and I am annoyed by those who have that mindset (I call them leg-humpers). This is basically the opposite of how I used to be when I was young. 
Really happy, upbeat people annoy me. It seems to me like they live in a fairy tale world… All rainbows, glitter, unicorns, and shiny stuff.
- An encounter with someone like that is like opening the curtains after it has been dark and all of a sudden being BLASTED with such bright sun it hurts your eyes, so you close them back as fast as you possibly can.

I have been to shrinks, been diagnosed with severe PTSD several times, taken every anti-depressant there is and I finally realized that this isn’t clinical depression. Meds do NOTHING AT ALL except make you sick coming off of them, and I do not like to take stuff anyway. Due to health issues, I have constant pain, but I go to great lengths to not take pain meds. I dislike the way they make me feel.

My last shrink and I became very close. She didn’t put me on meds or try to make me go to group meetings (people annoy me so much!!)… She LISTENED and I felt safe with her. We agreed that this is as good as it gets with me and meds won’t help. Counseling as needed probably will help to some degree. The thing is, I am reclusive and stopped going and then my insurance rates increased out of nowhere (I hadn't used it for a year but I kept paying that ridiculous premium! After paying that, I couldn't afford a co-pay!)  and I could no longer pay it, so I am uninsured. Unless I am DYING without getting medical help and it hurts, I cannot see a Dr., much less a shrink! I live paycheck to paycheck and can’t afford health insurance, but I make “too much” for assistance. It’s catch-22 BULLSHIT.

I cannot meditate because my brain will not rest. I have insomnia. Relaxing is a mystery to me. I always have to be DOING a project or something. I am easily distracted due to a brain injury. - My parents were workaholics and we never took vacations or anything, so I get that honest.

I DO need help, but I have no idea where to turn, and I really dislike even asking for help, plus it always COSTS. And of course, I never, EVER wanna be a burden. In fact, my biggest fear is becoming a vegetable and having to have someone wipe my butt. Another reason I don't think I can "get" help is because I fear becoming dependent on another, or feeling like I must be at the mercy of another - Good ol' trust issues! Plus, as earlier stated, I HAVE TO BE ABLE to PAY MY BILLS.

By my own choosing, I have been celibate for 7 years now. I have no desire whatsoever for sex. Also, I have an incurable virus that can be passed with the swapping of bodily fluids (How I got it, I'm sure) and I don't want to pass it to another. I guess if I didn't care and I'd whore myself out to take advantage of someone, I could milk that until I qualified for disability… It just ISN’T my style. I can’t do that. Way too many people DO do that!

I have just learned to accept and evolve with this darkness and have even become comfortable with it, because I see no way out of it. I just do the best I can in spite of it all.  After all this time that the darkness has ruled… It's now familiar and cozy and they know me here.

I could write volumes about all of this, but I have had a brain injury and rarely have the ability to remain focused long enough. This happens to be a rare “good” brain day. Even at that, it’s limited.

Thanks for “listening”.