Darling babies. Selfish adults?

Large families.
I'll never grasp that concept. Bringing children into a world this horrible that is only getting worse just doesn't seem rational to me.
Of course,  that's only my personal opinion and I don't put it off on people who have chosen to mass reproduce. None the less, I do understand why people ask questions of those people. But then,  the people complain when others mention it,  or ask questions. I don't ask questions, but some people just need to know I guess? Or perhaps by asking questions they're subjecting their opinion and judgment on you.
Similar to people that choose not to have children at all. They're constantly getting the rated for that. Everybody wants a grandbaby. It's selfish. Why don't they think about the other people and the babies instead of themselves?

I know it isn't anyone else's business that people make choices that we may or may not understand or agree with. I can only speak for how I feel on a personal level.

Babies are a joy. Grandchildren are incredible! But to me, on so many levels, it's selfish to have them now.... because look at what they're going to have to go through to be able to make it in the world, if they make it at all. We're running out of food. We're running out of resources. Evil is dominant in this world. Every time you turn around there's some tragic atrocity happening that the older generations would have never dreamed of as children.
-When you have a child, you want to be able to give them everything. You don't want to see them struggle and you don't want to see them suffer.  But the bottom line is, if you're not rich and mega secure, they're going to struggle and suffer. That's only my opinion again, so forgive me if I'm offending anyone.
To me, in my head, it's simple logic.

The fact is, babies are for adults. They are brought into this world because the adults "want one" usually... and the key word there is WANT. The baby never gets asked if they would like to be born. The baby never gets a chance to have any say in being brought into this world.
Don't get me wrong, I don't support or agree with abortion & I don't promote abortion as birth control. On a personal level I just couldn't get one. Having said that, it's not up to me what another person does. I DO NOT JUDGE THEIR CHOICES and I do not think of them any differently if that's a choice that they decide to MAKE or have made. It is certainly none of my business. I only know that I personally could not go through with something like that.

A little bit of my familial history and why I feel the way I do-
I got pregnant on the pill with my first child.
I got pregnant with an IUD in with my second child. Never once did I even consider abortion.
My 3rd one was "planned". He doesn't speak to me and hasn't for five years and he treats me like shit.

I gave my 1st child up for adoption because I wanted him to have the best life ever. I knew that,  at the age of just barely 18,  living with my mother, no job,  no high school diploma,  and his father  refusing to have anything to do with anything, I wasn't going to be able to give him that.
***It was the number one most selfless act I have ever done in my life***
We are good now. We've met and he has had a good life because he got parents that were able to give him that good life. He was loved. They waited years for a child.

By the time my other two children were born, I was married and I had high hopes that they would have a good life. The last one was the only one that was "planned".  That was 30 some years ago.

I always mention adoption as an option to women who get pregnant and are freaking out about how to care for a child. It is an extremely difficult choice to go through with, because you fall in love with that little life while it's still inside of you. Its not the right choice for some people. Some people can't live with themselves after they have given a child up. I've met those people before. One was a nurse when I was in the hospital after giving birth to my first child and she begged me not to give him up for adoption. She confided in me that she had a child she gave up for adoption and she has never forgiven herself. What she failed to see was that she was giving that child a better life and she needed to let that guilt and regret go. I was just a kid at the time and I didn't think about that yet. I hope by now she's found peace if she's still alive.

I love my grand babies, although I never get to see them because my youngest son doesn't speak to me... 
My middle son died when he was almost 19 and to my knowledge, had no children anywhere.
My oldest son and his wife have chosen not to have any children and I totally understand it and respect it- that's their choice.
As I said before, to me, babies are for adults because they decide THEY WANT one. Much of the time, later on down the road, the couple ends up splitting up or they fight and the poor child is subjected to all kinds of horrible things. Its not fair TO THE CHILD.

Food for thought.

A year ago... Feels like a hundred years

One year ago,  I left Texas. When I left there, I left behind good and bad.

I was very very torn about leaving,  but you can only take so much and you have to weigh out the pros and cons. It isn't an easy decision that you just make overnight.

I left behind a man who did not know how to treat a woman. At the same time, I left behind three beautiful girls. They were not my children per se, but I loved them and I still do. I miss them. Somehow, I have to stuff my feelings deep down and keep going and I cannot let this devastate me. My wish for them is it they do the same.

We have to keep forging ahead and not look back because if we dwell on the past and allow it to devastate us we will never get anywhere in the future. Living in the past is for the birds. Having said all that, I just want to make it clear that I do have a heart and that my decision was not made hastily.

it is a new day. It is a new year. All we can do is our best to make our life mean something positive.

I've learned from my experience. I will never date again. I do not want a man in my life at all (I don't want a woman in my life either,  lol) . All I want is good friends,  my family and my dog. Romantic relationships has proven to be not worth the pain.

Everything is motive based and there's no such thing as
true love, unless it's the love of a parent, family, child or a pet.

I left behind a lot when I left but looking back on it all, it was worth leaving the material things just to get free from the misery of being with a man who treated me like dirt.

I still wonder about the girls and I cannot say it was worth leaving them, but I could no longer stay and allow the treatment I was getting.

There was cheating going on. There was lying going on and there was withholding, and gas lighting, and all kinds of emotional/ psychological things that no one understood but myself and my counselor.

I matter more than to be treated like I was being treated. My only hope is that the girls have a good life and are happy. As for their dad,  I honestly don't care what happens to him as long as it doesn't affect the girls negatively. They deserve the best.