Be kind! We're all grieving what once was.

The whole world is grieving.

So many people are bitching and lashing out. But the thing is, everything has changed. Here we are, unable to even get near, much less hug someone for the most part. We can't have quality personal visits with others for the most part, we don't go to the grocery store the way we used to (it’s no longer a social event). For me, that isn't a problem. I detest shopping in ANY store. But for most, this is a huge culture shock and they aren't faring as well. Personally, I have backed away from social media because I am soooooo BURNED OUT on the seemingly constant anger and negativity.

 

It's obvious that we're all grieving the loss of what once was and struggling to adapt to what is currently going on. It's hard on everyone. Some are scared and haven't even been able to identify that, so it comes out in forms of anger. I am a recluse, so it isn't much of a change, but what I really miss are the little drop-in, short visits with my big sister (also a recluse) who would stop in when she had a gap of time between appointments (health related junk) and did not want to drive all the way home. We crammed a lot of words into that little amount of (quality) time! Most others are just not happy at all with being more "alone" and miss all the visits they once had, the way they once were.

Overall, the point I wanna make is that we need to try to be kinder! We need to realize that we're not the only ones going through this – We're in it together, distanced. Naturally, we're going to disagree on some things, but why can't we just agree to disagree? Why is the cruelty to others so necessary for some people? 

There's too much hate in this world and it's time we put an end to it. It is we who can make the difference. Put forth that effort.

There, I said it!

 

Dark Night of the Soul, or Reality?

In recent reading, I came across this:

Dark Night of the Soul

I think this "Dark Night of the Soul" thing must be the realm in which I function.

The more I thought about things, the more I felt the need to write the thoughts out as a release.
Ever since the death of my teenager several years ago, nothing matters. Just mere  survival".
Not only was it the worst thing that’s EVER happened to me, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I lost all faith and hope. I rely on NO ONE BUT MYSELF.I feel that I am the only one I can trust.

I have been through SO MUCH trauma, but my own immediate family would not help me after my job ended. I was not let go. My boss died and there was nothing in place after that, so her children took over and dissolved everything.
I was out of work and no longer had shelter. NOT because I was negligent or made poor choices, just life in general happening. But “God forbid” that any of them should have to be put out by helping a “non-believer” — but they had the means to help. But dontcha know, they may have helped if I would go to church. Obviously, if I would have agreed to that, I would have been doing it for the wrong reasons and I would be a hypocrite.

I was raised "Pentecostal holy-roller". I tried a few times, but I NEVER COULD get into that. It was all I knew for many years, and I was forced to go to all those meetings at church… I rebelled as a teen, made poor choices and went through so much trauma that by the time I was 17, I was done with it all. I grew up hard and fast in a short time. 

A distant relative finally got wind of my situation and helped me. He even loaned me money, and I paid him back (WITH INTEREST he never asked for but it was a token of my deep appreciation) within 6 months.  

Within 3 weeks I found a job and a place to move to. I am NOT a leech! I am a hard worker. I am CLEAN, I keep to myself and I am very quiet. - So, WHY would that be a problem if I needed a place to stay until I got on my feet?
Answer: It ISN’T - Unless you are a hard-core religious fanatic who only associates with OTHER hard-core religious fanatics.Well, they can have each other, and when I die I hope I don’t hafta go to their “Heaven”. But of course, I won’t because I shun all that and am destined for "Hell". As far as i'm concerned, HELL IS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. I've lived it, so when I leave here, I HAVE TO go to a better place.

I do not do drugs or drink or anything (I tried when I was a teen-ager). As an adult, I never numbed it. I just fell straight into this abyss. I am a realist. I don’t believe in fairy tales, but all this time I’ve had this thing I could not label and here it is.

I have felt as if I must be cursed. I look forward to the escape (death), but will not take my own life or do dangerous things. I just stay here in my shell (I feel that my mind is in a dark shell and cannot escape outwardly to any light — I am not satanic, but just really dark. It’s not an evil dark. It’s a locked away/closed-off/hopeless kind of dark. I worship NOTHING) … 

I am very reclusive. I work, but other than that I don’t engage with anyone else at all. I have come to LOVE being ALONE. I am NEVER "bored" or lonely and I don't look to other people as a form of entertainment, and I am annoyed by those who have that mindset (I call them leg-humpers). This is basically the opposite of how I used to be when I was young. 
Really happy, upbeat people annoy me. It seems to me like they live in a fairy tale world… All rainbows, glitter, unicorns, and shiny stuff.
- An encounter with someone like that is like opening the curtains after it has been dark and all of a sudden being BLASTED with such bright sun it hurts your eyes, so you close them back as fast as you possibly can.

I have been to shrinks, been diagnosed with severe PTSD several times, taken every anti-depressant there is and I finally realized that this isn’t clinical depression. Meds do NOTHING AT ALL except make you sick coming off of them, and I do not like to take stuff anyway. Due to health issues, I have constant pain, but I go to great lengths to not take pain meds. I dislike the way they make me feel.

My last shrink and I became very close. She didn’t put me on meds or try to make me go to group meetings (people annoy me so much!!)… She LISTENED and I felt safe with her. We agreed that this is as good as it gets with me and meds won’t help. Counseling as needed probably will help to some degree. The thing is, I am reclusive and stopped going and then my insurance rates increased out of nowhere (I hadn't used it for a year but I kept paying that ridiculous premium! After paying that, I couldn't afford a co-pay!)  and I could no longer pay it, so I am uninsured. Unless I am DYING without getting medical help and it hurts, I cannot see a Dr., much less a shrink! I live paycheck to paycheck and can’t afford health insurance, but I make “too much” for assistance. It’s catch-22 BULLSHIT.

I cannot meditate because my brain will not rest. I have insomnia. Relaxing is a mystery to me. I always have to be DOING a project or something. I am easily distracted due to a brain injury. - My parents were workaholics and we never took vacations or anything, so I get that honest.

I DO need help, but I have no idea where to turn, and I really dislike even asking for help, plus it always COSTS. And of course, I never, EVER wanna be a burden. In fact, my biggest fear is becoming a vegetable and having to have someone wipe my butt. Another reason I don't think I can "get" help is because I fear becoming dependent on another, or feeling like I must be at the mercy of another - Good ol' trust issues! Plus, as earlier stated, I HAVE TO BE ABLE to PAY MY BILLS.

By my own choosing, I have been celibate for 7 years now. I have no desire whatsoever for sex. Also, I have an incurable virus that can be passed with the swapping of bodily fluids (How I got it, I'm sure) and I don't want to pass it to another. I guess if I didn't care and I'd whore myself out to take advantage of someone, I could milk that until I qualified for disability… It just ISN’T my style. I can’t do that. Way too many people DO do that!

I have just learned to accept and evolve with this darkness and have even become comfortable with it, because I see no way out of it. I just do the best I can in spite of it all.  After all this time that the darkness has ruled… It's now familiar and cozy and they know me here.

I could write volumes about all of this, but I have had a brain injury and rarely have the ability to remain focused long enough. This happens to be a rare “good” brain day. Even at that, it’s limited.

Thanks for “listening”.

Darling babies. Selfish adults?

Large families.
I'll never grasp that concept. Bringing children into a world this horrible that is only getting worse just doesn't seem rational to me.
Of course,  that's only my personal opinion and I don't put it off on people who have chosen to mass reproduce. None the less, I do understand why people ask questions of those people. But then,  the people complain when others mention it,  or ask questions. I don't ask questions, but some people just need to know I guess? Or perhaps by asking questions they're subjecting their opinion and judgment on you.
Similar to people that choose not to have children at all. They're constantly getting the rated for that. Everybody wants a grandbaby. It's selfish. Why don't they think about the other people and the babies instead of themselves?

I know it isn't anyone else's business that people make choices that we may or may not understand or agree with. I can only speak for how I feel on a personal level.

Babies are a joy. Grandchildren are incredible! But to me, on so many levels, it's selfish to have them now.... because look at what they're going to have to go through to be able to make it in the world, if they make it at all. We're running out of food. We're running out of resources. Evil is dominant in this world. Every time you turn around there's some tragic atrocity happening that the older generations would have never dreamed of as children.
-When you have a child, you want to be able to give them everything. You don't want to see them struggle and you don't want to see them suffer.  But the bottom line is, if you're not rich and mega secure, they're going to struggle and suffer. That's only my opinion again, so forgive me if I'm offending anyone.
To me, in my head, it's simple logic.

The fact is, babies are for adults. They are brought into this world because the adults "want one" usually... and the key word there is WANT. The baby never gets asked if they would like to be born. The baby never gets a chance to have any say in being brought into this world.
Don't get me wrong, I don't support or agree with abortion & I don't promote abortion as birth control. On a personal level I just couldn't get one. Having said that, it's not up to me what another person does. I DO NOT JUDGE THEIR CHOICES and I do not think of them any differently if that's a choice that they decide to MAKE or have made. It is certainly none of my business. I only know that I personally could not go through with something like that.

A little bit of my familial history and why I feel the way I do-
I got pregnant on the pill with my first child.
I got pregnant with an IUD in with my second child. Never once did I even consider abortion.
My 3rd one was "planned". He doesn't speak to me and hasn't for five years and he treats me like shit.

I gave my 1st child up for adoption because I wanted him to have the best life ever. I knew that,  at the age of just barely 18,  living with my mother, no job,  no high school diploma,  and his father  refusing to have anything to do with anything, I wasn't going to be able to give him that.
***It was the number one most selfless act I have ever done in my life***
We are good now. We've met and he has had a good life because he got parents that were able to give him that good life. He was loved. They waited years for a child.

By the time my other two children were born, I was married and I had high hopes that they would have a good life. The last one was the only one that was "planned".  That was 30 some years ago.

I always mention adoption as an option to women who get pregnant and are freaking out about how to care for a child. It is an extremely difficult choice to go through with, because you fall in love with that little life while it's still inside of you. Its not the right choice for some people. Some people can't live with themselves after they have given a child up. I've met those people before. One was a nurse when I was in the hospital after giving birth to my first child and she begged me not to give him up for adoption. She confided in me that she had a child she gave up for adoption and she has never forgiven herself. What she failed to see was that she was giving that child a better life and she needed to let that guilt and regret go. I was just a kid at the time and I didn't think about that yet. I hope by now she's found peace if she's still alive.

I love my grand babies, although I never get to see them because my youngest son doesn't speak to me... 
My middle son died when he was almost 19 and to my knowledge, had no children anywhere.
My oldest son and his wife have chosen not to have any children and I totally understand it and respect it- that's their choice.
As I said before, to me, babies are for adults because they decide THEY WANT one. Much of the time, later on down the road, the couple ends up splitting up or they fight and the poor child is subjected to all kinds of horrible things. Its not fair TO THE CHILD.

Food for thought.

A year ago... Feels like a hundred years

One year ago,  I left Texas. When I left there, I left behind good and bad.

I was very very torn about leaving,  but you can only take so much and you have to weigh out the pros and cons. It isn't an easy decision that you just make overnight.

I left behind a man who did not know how to treat a woman. At the same time, I left behind three beautiful girls. They were not my children per se, but I loved them and I still do. I miss them. Somehow, I have to stuff my feelings deep down and keep going and I cannot let this devastate me. My wish for them is it they do the same.

We have to keep forging ahead and not look back because if we dwell on the past and allow it to devastate us we will never get anywhere in the future. Living in the past is for the birds. Having said all that, I just want to make it clear that I do have a heart and that my decision was not made hastily.

it is a new day. It is a new year. All we can do is our best to make our life mean something positive.

I've learned from my experience. I will never date again. I do not want a man in my life at all (I don't want a woman in my life either,  lol) . All I want is good friends,  my family and my dog. Romantic relationships has proven to be not worth the pain.

Everything is motive based and there's no such thing as
true love, unless it's the love of a parent, family, child or a pet.

I left behind a lot when I left but looking back on it all, it was worth leaving the material things just to get free from the misery of being with a man who treated me like dirt.

I still wonder about the girls and I cannot say it was worth leaving them, but I could no longer stay and allow the treatment I was getting.

There was cheating going on. There was lying going on and there was withholding, and gas lighting, and all kinds of emotional/ psychological things that no one understood but myself and my counselor.

I matter more than to be treated like I was being treated. My only hope is that the girls have a good life and are happy. As for their dad,  I honestly don't care what happens to him as long as it doesn't affect the girls negatively. They deserve the best.